Whoever first coined the term “lesson learned” must have been a pretty smart man not to fall for the same mistake over and over.

I believe sometimes there are days we feel like our sins have come back to haunt us, staring there from the deepest corners of our mind where the fear lies, most likely pointing and laughing, waiting for their turn to get out of our brains and come back to life in this different yet similar scenario we present for them.

But even so we have that fear, even so we can pretty much predict the forthcoming scenario, and even so we know we are going to get hurt yet again, we go and “jump in the mud” thinking this time will not be like the last time, or the one before. We know we can try different ways to deal with the situation, or avoid the situation entirely, we could learn to say ‘no’ and look the other way… but we don’t do that.

I myself feel a little traveled in time. I feel like I’m back there, a few months ago, dealing with the same ghosts, not knowing how to act, but still, I manage to convince myself that sitting at my apartment wondering What If, could be even worse than being there. I chose to be there thinking I was going to be able to handle the situation.

I was already called a fool by some friends for going back there. The ones who know me better were sure that I would have done what I did anyways, that I wouldn’t deny in helping her when she needed me, that I am inherently nice and I did it not expecting anything back, yet I was secretly wishing.

All these words here really fall short from what I had in mind of what would happen, like the song says, a failed attempt to capsulize a feeling.

I’m still hoping that one day I will learn my lesson, I’ll get over it… sad, strong, safe and move forward.